Happenings

What's going on with the team? Well, here's a look:

Promises: I'm definitely looking forward to TwinsFest 2009. Here are a few gems from the last several years: (faces changed to protect the innocent)Jason Bartlett & Hot Chick

Nick Punto and Hot Chick

Torii Hunter and Hot Chick

Joe Nathan and Hot Chick

And some real classics:



This man was adamant in telling me that he was not, in fact, Nick Punto. Coulda fooled me.

Sometimes you decorate a cookie to look like Nick Punto, you take a picture of it, and then he autographs it for you.




I can only wonder who went home with this. What a treat!

Now, the Big Plans: Along with inviting former players back throughout the season, the Twins will be donning throwback jerseys when they play at home on Saturdays. What a baseball-ish thing to do. The next stat you'll see on the Twins' web page will about about a player's batting average on Saturdays at home vs. Saturdays away. What sort of impact will these uniforms have?

Justin Morneau is excited about the jerseys:

"I'm a big throwback, vintage kind of guy," Morneau said. "I like most of the old uniforms, and these are pretty sweet."

Let's talk, Justin. Remember this? Is this what you call vintage? Throwback to the days of getting dressed in the dark? Okay, okay. I'm not being fair. I shouldn't talk this way about someone I love. I'm sorry.

Things are becoming more and more intense as we get nearer to the new stadium. Let me just get this out there: I hate Target Field. No, not the stadium. I hate the name. Do we not have a Target Center just down the street? Is this state not filled to the brim with Target? Don't get me wrong, because as a young woman, I am completely enamored with the Target stores. Am I the only one who wishes this ballpark would be named "Twins Field" or "Twins Park" or even a tribute to 34 with "Puckett Park"? Even "Target Park" would be better. Target Field sounds so . . . stupid. I just don't like it.

Along the same lines, how is everyone feeling about helping to pay for the Mets' stadium? Citi Field. Citi promised $40 million for naming rights. Now that we have decided upon using our tax money to help out Citi, I suggest changing the name to Taxpayer Field. Just an idea. . .

Behind the Diamond, Matt Guerrier

(Consistent?)

Matt Guerrier. . . what can I say? I don't have words. Here are the facts:

Matthew Olson Guerrier
DOB: 8/2/1978
Birthplace: Cleveland, OH
Height: 6'3'
Weight: 195
Bats/Throws: R/R
MLB Debut: 6/17/2004
2005-2007:

Year	Team	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2005	MIN	0	3	3.39	43	0	0	0	0	0	71.2	71	29	27	6	24	46
2006	MIN	1	0	3.36	39	1	0	0	1	1	69.2	78	29	26	9	21	37
2007	MIN	2	4	2.35	73	0	0	0	1	4	88.0	71	23	23	9	21	68

2008:

	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2008	6	9	5.19	76	0	0	0	1	5	76.1	84	47	44	12	37	59

Positive: Well, you looked cute for whatever that's worth.

Negative: Your numbers are looking horrible, Matty. Your ERA more than doubled from '07 to '08. Your runs doubled, your BB went up, your strikeouts went down.

If I am recalling correctly, you were a starter for a very brief amount of time. In your career with the Twins, you have started 3 games. For an even briefer amount of time, I thought maybe you could be a starter again. Maybe I'm wrong. One thing that's true is that I am disappointed. I had really learned to trust you. Over the years I would look over to the bullpen and see the options: Jesse Crain? No thanks. Juan Rincon? We might as well give up if we're putting him in. Matt Guerrier? Bring it on. 2008 was a different story, though. I don't know what happened. I mean, I know what happened, but I don't know what caused it. Something has to change. Neshek is going to be out in 2009, and you know I still don't trust J. Crain (even though I really want to). So, here's the plan; next year, do what you did in 2006 and 2007. I wish I could say more, but the truth is that it just hurts too much to look at those numbers any longer.


Positive: Taking responsibility as a teammate

Negative: Don't forget deodorant next time.

I expect a comeback in 2009, Matty.

Behind the Diamond, Francisco Liriano

(Fire Power)

Once upon a time the Minnesota Twins ball club had a pitcher named Johan Santana. He was a man of Venezuelan descent who had a mean slider and a lot of Ks after his name. J. Santana was a man I used to love.

"I still love you, Johan, but I'm not in love with you anymore," I say.

"Sí," says Johan. "Yo entiendo, mi amor. Soy un traidor."

"I'm so glad you see things my way," I tell him. I'll allow you to fill in the rest of this dream on your own.

Meanwhile, Johan left me. He left us all, but in a far worse manner than T. Hunter. I thought for a while that perhaps, just perhaps, C. Pohlad would offer Johan a reasonable contract and we might have a 1-2 punch with Santana/Liriano in our lineup. That punch ended up being more of a bitch slap, and some of that slap was in our faces.

Johan dissed us and we got C. Gomez, this guy, this guy and this guy. Liriano started his year like this:

So, we sent him down to AAA with an exponential ERA. And he got antsy. He got antsy and angry. So his agent got antsy and angry with him, and we brought him back up and he did this:

That's what I'm talkin' about, Frankie! Let's expand:

Francisco Liriano

DOB: 10/26/1983

Birthplace: San Cristobal, Dominican Republic

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 225

Bats/Throws: L/L

MLB Debut: 9/5/2005

Straight to the facts:

2005-2007 stats:

Year	Team	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2005	MIN	1	2	5.70	6	4	0	0	0	0	23.2	19	15	15	4	7	33
2006	MIN	12	3	2.16	28	16	0	0	1	1	121.0	89	31	29	9	32	144
2007	No Major League Stats

2008 stats:

	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2008	6	4	3.91	14	14	0	0	0	0	76.0	74	40	33	7	32	67

Positive: You're BACK! It may have taken you some time to get back into form and you might have had to head back to AAA before you got the hang of The Show again, but you made it. I'm so proud of you. Also, after presenting the Twins' fan base with an ERA of 11.32 after 3 starts, you came back in August and changed it to a 3.91 ERA. You were still able to end the season with more wins than losses. I cannot wait to see what you bring in your arsenal for 2009. Here's to hoping Carl "Cheap Ass" Pohlad keeps you around a little longer.

Negative: What was up in April, Frank? Yikes. You were on my fantasy baseball team with Cuddles and I have to say that my heart sank during one inning in April. I may or may not have shed a tear on the outside, but I was bawling on the inside. First my 1 punch was gone and now the 2 was gone as well. This was the moment of the bitch slap to my face. Here's a tip: don't ever allow 6 earned runs in .2 innings again. As a fan, I have bounced back from your season, but I doubt the rest of Twins Territory will be as forgiving the next time. Our resiliency is limited.

Positive: F-Bomb, indeed

Negative: I can only hope you've learned your lesson. I would not care for a repeat of this

You will be on my fantasy baseball team next year for sure.

Because You're the Best

The cheapest owner in baseball has made a wise decision by signing Gardy through 2011.


Check it out.

Yikes!

It has been reported that Mr. P. Neshek will be out for the 2009 season due to surgery. Don't believe me? Believe this. So, we're out a set up man for yet another year. What is a ball club to do?

I was watching "Little Big League" over the weekend while I was babysitting two hilarious midgets that I call my nephew and niece. If you're not familiar with this classic film, allow me to fill you in. Billy Heywood's grandfather owns the Minnesota Twins ball club. Upon passing away, Billy inherits the ball club (as his father is dead, and therefore Billy is the closest male heir, which is coincidentally the reason that Billy and his grandfather are so close). Since Dennis Farina is a horrible, horrible manager, Billy decides to take over the managerial responsibilities of the ball club. I know what you're thinking, "No way! He's only twelve! What about school? This seems improbable, if not impossible." Think again my friends. What you'll soon learn is that it's easy to manage a ball club, even if you're not old enough to drive. Plus, it's summer break for most of the season anyway, so there's no need to worry about school.

Throughout the movie, some of the players attempt to make Billy look bad. Some of the players don't want to take Billy seriously because of his age. However, in the end, everyone learns some really important messages:

a). You shouldn't discount someone just because they're smaller than you (especially if they are signing your paycheck).

b). It's not all about winning, but about having fun (unless of course you are paid to win and in that case, by all means, WIN).

c). It's a bad idea to let your job as a manager of a major league baseball team get in the way of fishing with your friends and talking to them about if Superman ever ate at KFC.

d). No matter what you do, if you have a 12 year old managing your ball club, you're not going to win. It takes more than the persistence of an adolescent.

I think that you can all pretty much figure out what happens in this movie without even seeing it, though I recommend seeing it anyway.

Back on track though. Have you heard about Cuddles? They're talking about trading him for some lame-ass from Colorado. Kelly Theiser, the one who answers the mailbag questions for Minnesota's club, wrote about it this week. Yowzas! Garrett Atkins, what do you have to offer me? I'm anxious to see what comes of this.

Behind the Diamond, Michael Cuddyer

(I'll let you caption this yourself)

Michael Cuddyer, Cuddy, Cuddles, Mike. . . where do I start? You have a right arm that has no limits. You have dimples that brighten any room. You have the cutest accent and you're always saying something positive about your teammates. All around, you're just a really good guy.

Michael Brent Cuddyer
DOB: 3/27/1979
Birthplace: Norfolk, VA
Height: 6'2
Weight: 215
Bats/Throws: R/R
MLB Debut: 9/23/2001

I think we all know that the hardest part of the season for you was getting injured. No question. Here's what else, though: I had you on my fantasy baseball team (affectionately named Cuddles McPunto for a while) and you let me down. Obviously, as someone who was playing fantasy baseball for the first time, I didn't realize that the object was to get the absolute best players and not just the ones you love the most. That was my mistake. Your mistake was hurting that finger of yours. Props to D. Span for doing a fantastic job taking over right field. Still, there were plays where all I could do was turn to the person next to me (you know who you are) and say, "Cuddles would've had that," or "That never would've happened if Cuddles was out there."

Let's take a deeper look:

2005-2007 stats:

Year	Team	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2005	MIN	126	422	55	111	25	3	12	42	178	41	93	3	4	.330	.422	.263
2006	MIN	150	557	102	158	41	5	24	109	281	62	130	6	0	.362	.504	.284
2007	MIN	144	547	87	151	28	5	16	81	237	64	107	5	0	.356	.433	.276

2008 stats:

	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2008	71	249	30	62	13	4	3	36	92	25	40	5	1	.330	.369	.249

Okay, so I must be lenient in my judgement due to your injury. It always seems to me that your batting average is better than it actually is. How do you fool me, Cuddy?

Positives: You played in less than half as many games in 2008 than 2007 and you stole just as many bases. I appreciate that and look forward to more of it in 2009. If you played twice as much in 2008, you might have only struck out 80 times and that's good, even though it's a statistic I just made up right now. A real fact is that you hit 4 triples in 71 games in 2008 compared to 5 triples in 144 games in 2007. I'm impressed.

Negatives: The average is not on par with how I think you could do, Mike. You're a good hitter. I expect more homeruns, and if not, I definitely expect more hits next year. Sometimes you hurt your finger. I understand that. It happens. Twice. Let's not make it three times, though. Deal? Deal.

Positive: Love the cannon, Michael.

Negative: You should take your wedding info off of the internet (but I have to say, I love seeing that M. Lecroy was a groomsman!)

I've heard talk about putting you back at 3rd base next year, and I have to say I'm torn. I love your arm to be in right field. It makes me feel safe. If you don't make a play there I can easily assume that it would have been impossible for anyone to make the play. However, D. Span has shown himself worthy of a spot on our roster. Do we put you at 3rd to allow him to show off? Maybe we'll move him to center and send C. Gomez back to AAA to learn how to stop swinging at anything within a 10 foot radius. You were good at 3rd, but you're great in right field. I guess I just can't get behind putting you in the infield when you're amazing in the outfield. I want you to know that I support you either way, Cuddles. You're like a teddy bear I wish I had.

Behind the Diamond, Boof Bonser

(In his skinnier days)

2008 was the season where the howls of "Boooooofffff!" turned into "Boooooooo!"

He may have lost some weight, but he lost his control too. What good is being able to field your position if everyone is hitting a home run off of you? *Sigh* I used to cherish you so much, Boof.

Boof Bonser (FKA John Bonser)
DOB: 10/14/1981
Birthplace: St. Petersburg, FL
Height: 6'4
Weight: 245 (sometimes)
Bats/Throws: R/R
MLB Debut: 5/21/2006

A more critical look:

2006-2007 stats:

Year	Team	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2005	No Major League Stats
2006	MIN	7	6	4.22	18	18	0	0	0	0	100.1	104	50	47	18	24	84
2007	MIN	8	12	5.10	31	30	0	0	0	0	173.0	199	108	98	27	65	136

2008 stats:

	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2008	3	7	5.93	47	12	0	0	0	2	118.1	139	87	78	16	36	97

Positive: You lost 5 fewer games in 2008 than you did in 2007. You allowed 60 less hits. You walked 29 less batters.

Negative: You started in 18 less games and you weren't even on the DL. You pitched 54.2 less innings. Your ERA is startlingly high for a (wannabe) starter.

Allow me to be frank, Boof; you're just not nearly as reliable as you used to be. Maybe that's not true. Maybe you were never reliable and it just took a long time to realize that you're inconsistent. I know you want a spot in the starting rotation and you know that Twins' fans like to scream names that make the "ooooo" sound in them (see: Cristian Guzman, Lew Ford). I'm willing to compromise with you. Lower the ERA, stop acting like a baby and I will appreciate you again. At Twinsfest there was a note on your table that read "Hurricane Boof". No one wrote "Trainwreck Boof". I'd like to see you pitching like you did in 2006. That was lovely.

Remember how we traded A.J. to get you, J. Nathan and F. Liriano? Remember how everyone was like, "This has really turned out to be a great deal for Minnesota!"? Guess what, Boof. . . everyone's real happy with Nathan and I think we're all learning to trust Liriano again. You're good, Boof, but I've noticed you've had trouble showing it to the world. I understand you're on a team that simply has no "veteran" starters to show you the ropes, but let's be serious: you were around for the days of B. Radke and J. Santana. Plus, you've got the catching expertise of J. Mauer and M. Redmond.

Positive: Listening is key

Negative: You don't need my help figuring out what happened here

Meanwhile. . . What the heck is this about? It appears to be on a bathroom wall, but the jury's out for now. Something for you to chew on.

Behind the Diamond, Joe Nathan

(Duck, Duck, Gray Duck with Joe Nathan)

Now, it's time for a look behind the diamond with Joe Nathan.

Joe Nathan is arguably the best closer in baseball right now. Sure, K-Rod may have set some record this year, but guess who's good every year? J. Nathan. Twitchy, itchy, horse blowing, hat adjusting, uncomfortable Joe Nathan. He is the pitcher I love and hate to watch in action. You want to get behind him with 100% confidence, but he does his best to make you think he's having an anxiety attack. In turn, my heart skips beats when you're on the mound, Joe. It is a horribly wonderful experience to watch you.

Let's explore deeper:

Joseph Michael Nathan
D.O.B.: 11/22/1974
Birthplace: Houston, TX
Height: 6'4
Weight: 225lbs.
Bats/Throws: R/R
MLB Debut: 4/21/1999

Here are your stats for 2005-2007

Year	Team	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2005	MIN	7	4	2.70	69	0	0	0	43	48	70.0	46	22	21	5	22	94
2006	MIN	7	0	1.58	64	0	0	0	36	38	68.1	38	12	12	3	16	95
2007	MIN	4	2	1.88	68	0	0	0	37	41	71.2	54	15	15	4	19	77

Here are the 2008 stats:

	W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	SHO	SV	SVO	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO
2008	1	2	1.33	68	0	0	0	39	45	67.2	43	13	10	5	18	74

Negative: After serious examination, I've noticed that your strikeouts have gone down considerably, Joe. I'm not terribly concerned, because you're still getting the job done. I'd like to see a few more saves next year, but I realize that this isn't always in your control. Here's what you can control, though: in 2006 you had 2 blown saves, in 2007, you had 4 blown saves, and this year, you blew 6 saves. Let's not continue with adding two blown saves every year. Another thing I've noticed is that you don't fare nearly as well in non-save situations. Maybe you could just pretend they're all save situations from now on, because they are in my head.

Positive: Holy ERA! This is why I love you, Joe. You go out there, you get the job done and you take no prisoners. Meanwhile, your WHIP is less than 1 on the year. I'm impressed, J. N. You've really shown that the contract we signed you for was worth it (not that I doubted it for a second). You've got the world saying, "Mariano who?" "Fransisco what?" "Papelbon? Is that a French dessert?"

Negative: Check the attitude, Joe.

Positive: True story.

I'm looking forward to many more years of twitching.

Behind the Diamond, Joe Mauer

(Chillaxin')

Oh, Joe! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. . .

1. Your patience at the plate boggles minds everywhere
2. Your impeccable sideburns cause jealousy among men
3. Your insistence that I only fly Sun Country is inspiring
4. Your batting average is mesmerizing

Still, Joe, we need to talk. . .

Joseph Patrick Mauer
DOB: 4/19/1983
Birthplace: St. Paul, MN
Height: 6'5
Weight: 230lbs
Bats/Throws: L/R
MLB Debut: 4/5/2004

Here are your stats from 2005-2007

Year	Team	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2005	MIN	131	489	61	144	26	2	9	55	201	61	64	13	1	.372	.411	.294
2006	MIN	140	521	86	181	36	4	13	84	264	79	54	8	3	.429	.507	.347
2007	MIN	109	406	62	119	27	3	7	60	173	57	51	7	1	.382	.426	.293

Here are the stats from this 2008 season

	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2008	146	536	98	176	31	4	9	85	242	84	50	1	1	.413	.451	.328

First of all, great job on the average. Not quite the 2006 magnitude, but great nonetheless. I am always impressed with your ability to take a walk. . . it's as good as a hit, as long as J. Morneau is doing his job and not grounding into a double play. I think everyone would appreciate if you talked to him and told him, "Hey buddy, it's okay to take a pitch." As for you, Mr. Mauer, let's consider stealing a base from time to time. I know you value your knees (and believe me, I do too), but it's time, Joe.

The roar of the crowd is palpable when your name is announced in the Dome. Imagine how it would increase if you stole a base so you didn't get to 2nd on a fielder's choice. Don't get me wrong, Joey. . . you're the batting champ. Perhaps I'm not the one to give you advice. In fact, it's quite obvious that I'm probably not, but I think you should pay attention anyway. You're amazing at what you do, and I'd just like to suggest some improvements. 1st, the base stealing. 2nd, I'd like to hear some better music when you come to the plate. That's it, Joe. Those are my suggestions.

Furthermore, I'd like to praise you on your strikeouts this year. 50 strikeouts in 546 at bats? That's unprecidented. Let's compare this stat to other players in the big leagues:

Joe Mauer: 50 SO in 546 AB
Torii Hunter: 108 SO in 551 AB
Josh Hamilton: 126 SO in 624 AB
Alex Rodriguez: 117 SO in 510 AB
Lance Berkman: 108 SO in 554 AB

In conclusion, here's what I'm looking for from you in 2009, J. Mauer:

Positive: Steal it, Joe!!!

Negative: That's gross, Joe.

Hometown hero, we love you so.

Behind the Diamond, Justin Morneau

(I'll be YOUR MVP any day, Justin)

Since the playoffs are pretty much not worth watching anymore, mostly because I don't really care who wins, it's time to focus on our Minnesota Twins and what they should work on in their down time this fall/winter. Today, we will start with Mr. Morneau.

Justin Ernest Morneau:
DOB: 5/15/1981
Birthplace: New Westminster, British Columbia, Canada
Height: 6'4
Weight: 230
Bats/Throws: L/R
MLB Debut: 6/10/2003

Year	Team	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2005	MIN	141	490	62	117	23	4	22	79	214	44	94	0	2	.304	.437	.239
2006	MIN	157	592	97	190	37	1	34	130	331	53	93	3	3	.375	.559	.321
2007	MIN	157	590	84	160	31	3	31	111	290	64	91	1	1	.343	.492	.271

Let's Consider those stats compared to the stats from 2008

	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	TB	BB	SO	SB	CS	OBP	SLG	AVG
2008	163	623	97	187	47	4	23	129	311	76	85	0	1	.374	.499	.300

Clearly, he hasn't done bad for himself.

Positives: He played in every game this year. That's something, huh? Not to mention, a .300 batting average isn't too shabby. Also, 76 BB and 85 SO. That's respectable.

Negatives: 0 stolen bases in 1 attempt. You're faster than that, J. Morneau. 23 HR? This will not cut it if you are to be our biggest home run hitter. I'll need to see more of that next season, Justin. I'm serious.

Positive: Let's bring that back

Negative: You're responsible for this

In conclusion, I miss the Justin I used to know. . . the Canadian man who hit walk-offs against the CHW. Come back to me, please.