An Open Letter

Dear A.J. -


Hey, it's me, Joe... Mauer. Please don't look confused. I know you know who I am. A.J., I'm writing you this letter to tell you some very important things. This isn't just your every day, run-of-the-mill open letter from the best catcher in the history of the major leagues. This is something I hope you'll really take to heart. So, without further ado...


#1. Please stop pretending like you're a better catcher than I am:

Take the above as an example. First, note my excellent swing. You can learn more about that here. Anyway, look at how you're positioned. I think it's well known that: 

    

a). You're not cool when you flip your back pockets out (note: other people are).

b). You're setting up all wrong. Just because I swung through that pitch does not mean you should be so high up in a crouch. Get a clue.

c). Gray is so not your color.

#2. You don't have to be angry all the time:

A.J., I know it's difficult to crack a smile when your team is 9 games behind in the American League Central, but c'mon. You might have some fans out there. Those potential fans might like to see you at least pretend to enjoy what you're doing. Here are some dos and don'ts:

Do!

Don't!

Okay, I don't want to get too hung up on facial expressions with you, A.J. In some sense, we're brothers, right? No, you're right, you're right - we're definitely not brothers at all. Moving on:

#3. You don't have to act like every stolen base is the end of the game:

I've seen you try to throw guys out at 2nd, A.J. Let's be honest about this. It's not pretty. Everyone knows it's not easy to catch a guy trying to steal 2nd base. Furthermore, it's really unnecessary to act like it's the freaking end of the world if a guy breaks up a double play because he stole 2nd base on your arm. Plus, face it, A.J., over the span of your career, you've only thrown out 25% of those stealing bases. Compared to me, Joe Mauer, who has thrown out 36%. 

#4. You'll NEVER be me. No one in Minnesota misses you:

Be real, Pierzynski- when you played in Minnesota, some people liked you. They only liked you because you played on their team, though. From time to time, it's cool to have that badass, angry looking guy on the team. Minnesota fans supported you because they supported the Twins. No one in the clubhouse who I've met has said, "Oh, you know who I miss? A.J." Well, I guess it's been said as a joke, but I don't need to rub that in, do I? Anyway, you'll never be me. While I appreciate the fact that you play with heart, it would really be better if you didn't play with a cold heart. 

Anyway, I guess that's really all I have to say. Also, try to be a little classier, A.J. The fans really appreciate that. Class + Modesty + Be a good baseball player = Not You.


Yours Truly,


Joe Mauer


P.S. You should also try to win some batting titles if you really want people to like you. And, if you hit a home run, stop pretending like it's something that happens all the time. You don't have to be a douche about it.