This is what I wish had happened today:
I don't like you. I didn't like you even when you played for the good guys (see: Minnesota Twins). When you were on our team, I only tolerated you.
Here's why you suck:
1. Trying to spike J. Morneau last year
2. Pretending to throw a foul ball to a kid in the stands and then laughing and throwing it to the dugout
3. You dyed your hair the worst color blond in history
4. 2005's playoffs where you pretended you were safe at 1st
5. Even my mom doesn't like you and she likes almost everyone
In conclusion, while you might be playing on a team with the "nicest guy in baseball" (see: Jim Thome), I still hope you get punched by James Shields. I'm sure Mr. Nice Guy will carry you off the field.