Dear Joe...

Thanks for your quick reply. Last night's game was incredible:

Minnesota	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	SO	LOB	AVG
Repko, CF	5	2	2	0	0	2	3	.280
Casilla, A, 2B	4	3	2	3	1	0	2	.315
Mauer, C	5	3	5	7	0	0	0	.305
a-Butera, PH-C	1	0	0	0	0	0	1	.176
Young, D, LF	6	2	4	1	0	1	2	.328
Thome, DH	3	0	0	0	1	2	2	.259
1-Morales, J, PR-DH	2	1	0	0	0	1	2	.000
Cuddyer, 1B	5	1	1	1	1	2	3	.275
Kubel, RF	5	1	1	2	1	2	2	.263
Valencia, 3B	4	4	4	4	1	0	0	.376
Hardy, SS	4	2	1	1	1	2	3	.254
Totals	44	19	20	19	6	12	20	.280

a-Hit into a double play for Mauer in the 8th.
1-Ran for Thome in the 6th.
I mean, I'm serious, you guys. That was great. Joe Mauer goes 5 for 5, Danny Valencia nearly hits for the cycle (however trivial that statistic may be), and Repko makes some awesome defensive plays. This is why I love you guys.
I don't think I'm alone in wishing Liriano would've been kept in to pitch a complete game. He was on fire last night. Anthony Slama? Not so much, which is a bummer, because I have high hopes for that fella. If only he'd get rid of the mustache. I think that would really help him out.  

Minnesota	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Liriano(W, 9-7)	7.0	3	0	0	0	6	0	3.35
Mahay	1.0	1	0	0	0	0	0	3.26
Slama	1.0	1	1	1	2	0	0	9.00
Totals	9.0	5	1	1	2	6	0	4.04

Also, can we talk for a second about Ron Mahay? All I really have to say about him is that I wish he wouldn't wear his pants so high and tight. It's not a good look for him. In fact, it's not a good look for most people. I hope you're reading this, Ron. It's nothing personal. 
While the Twins remain one back of CHW, I'm feeling hopeful. Things are looking up. Jason Repko is exceeding my expectations beyond belief (which isn't hard, because I had zero expectations). It's getting easier to remember that it's not Cuddyer in Right Field, and it is Cuddyer at 1st. So, it may not end up being an MVP year for any of our guys, but I think we're starting to get our groove back. Let's just hope we can keep it up against teams that aren't the Kansas City Royals.
Don't get me wrong, because I like watching the Royals play. My favorite game to play when I'm watching them is, "Who did you use to play for?". Scott Podsednik? CHW. Jason Kendall? Oakland (by way of Pittsburgh). Yuniesky Betancourt? Seattle. Willie Bloomquist? Another from Seattle. See? It's a really fun game.
Regardless, what's really important right now is that the good guys are headed back toward 1st place. Don't tell this guy, though. 

Twins 10; Orioles 4

I'm not always sure what to make of my boys. Sometimes the Twins & I have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes you see the lineup for the game and you think to yourself, "Hmmmm, guess we're not gaining any ground in the standings today." 

Repko? I barely even know who you are. Butera? Okay, I can accept you as a back up to J. Mauer, but you're hitting .178. I'm not exactly impressed with you. Danny Valencia's in the lineup? Well, sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes you're not even sure where these guys came from and they blow shit out of the water. 

Minnesota	AB	R	H	RBI	BB	SO	LOB	AVG
Repko, CF	4	2	1	1	1	1	4	.250
Casilla, A, 2B	6	1	3	0	0	0	3	.300
Young, D, LF	6	1	1	1	0	0	4	.322
Thome, DH	4	2	2	1	2	1	1	.263
Cuddyer, 1B	6	1	1	0	0	1	8	.276
Kubel, RF	5	1	3	4	0	1	1	.264
Valencia, 3B	5	1	3	0	0	0	2	.346
Punto, SS	4	0	3	1	1	0	1	.251
Butera, C	5	1	2	1	0	0	5	.179
Totals	45	10	19	9	4	4	29	.278

Kubel roughs up the O's with his 2nd Grand Slam of the year. Punto goes 3 for 4 with a walk. Valencia is 3 for 5. Who are these guys? I mean, I know who they are, but who are they? 

Joey, You've Got Some Splainin' To Do

Joe Mauer is an anomaly. Joe Mauer has won 3, yes- 3 batting titles in less than 7 years in the majors. Joe Mauer has a career batting average of .324. Joe Mauer just signed a huge contract right before the beginning of this season. Joe Mauer is the hometown hero; the modest guy behind the plate who will take a pitch or two. 

Here's something you probably didn't know about Joe Mauer, though. He's an underground rapper. You read right. He is the Tupac of the American League Central, the Jay-Z of catchers, the Notorious B.I.G. of the big leagues. Don't get J. to the M.a.u.e.r. twisted, folks...

Mad Rhymez

And while the world awaits Joe's debut album, I ask myself this question, "Has all of this amateur rapping been the root of your batting issues lately, Joseph Patrick Mauer?" While I realize .299 is far from an un-respectable batting average, it's really not your thing to bat below .300. I don't think the phrase, "Don't hate the player, hate the game" really applies to your situation, Joe. In fact, unless I'm talking about your rap game, I'm hating your playing much more than I'm hating the game right now. 

Last year when you hit 28 home runs, we all knew that wouldn't happen again. That was an anomaly by an anomaly. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I think you catch my drift. Point being- .299 isn't acceptable. I know you just signed a gargantuan contract and maybe now you're all nervous, like, "Am I good enough? Do they really like me? I don't know if I can do this!" but the truth is that we need you, Joey. We need you bad, especially since your boyfriend is on the DL. We like you Joe. You're good enough, Joe. You can do this, Joe. You must do this, Joe. Be the reason half of the stadium wears the #7 on their backs when they come to watch a ball game at Target Field.

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse...

Jesse, Jess, J....

I'm not sure how to tell you this. I want to be delicate, but I don't even know if that's possible. First of all, you might as well sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Water? Mello Yello? 

I like you as a friend, Jesse. I really do. Please don't misunderstand me when I tell you this: STOP SUCKING.

Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, your stats don't accurately reflect how poorly you've been doing, because several of the runs you allow are being charged to the pitcher you were relieving. It's not okay, Crain. For years I've been secretly rooting for you, and outwardly bitching about you. Something you should understand is that not once have I gone to a Twins game and seen someone (other than you) representing with a Crain jersey. I know what you're thinking, "But, there are a lot of Twins players whose jerseys don't sell!" Well, you're probably right, but you know what's true? I've seen his jersey worn, his jersey worn and even his jersey worn at Twins games. 

So, Jesse, now is not the time for excuses. We're all disappointed in what you've given us this year. Just because the runs you give up aren't "earned runs" on your record doesn't mean we don't notice. You're a disaster, Jesse. A Crain Wreck. 

Have you noticed that people are not cheering for you when you come out of the bullpen? Have you noticed that people groan, children cry and mothers shield their babies from seeing you take the mound? I want you to know that it's not too late, Jesse. You can redeem yourself. It's going to take time. It's going to take persistence. It may even take you shaving off your lame-ass goatee. Sorry. That was a cheap shot. 

DATE	OPP	W	L	ERA	SV	IP	H	ER	BB	SO
06/22/2010	@MIL	0	0	4.76	0	0.1	0	0	1	0
06/23/2010	@MIL	0	0	4.60	0	1.0	0	0	0	1
06/25/2010	@NYM	0	0	4.40	0	1.1	1	0	1	1
06/28/2010	DET	0	0	4.26	0	1.0	1	0	1	2
07/01/2010	TB	0	0	4.22	0	0.1	0	0	0	1
07/02/2010	TB	0	0	4.18	0	0.1	1	0	0	1
07/06/2010	@TOR	0	0	4.05	0	1.0	0	0	0	1
07/09/2010	@DET	0	0	3.93	0	1.0	1	0	0	0
07/15/2010	CWS	0	0	3.72	0	2.0	1	0	1	2
07/16/2010	CWS	0	0	3.65	1	0.2	0	0	0	1
TOTALS		0	0	0.00	1	9.0	5	0	4	10

Remember 2005, Jesse? It may even take a time machine to get you to a place where you win 12 games, and have a 2.71 ERA in 75 appearances. I guess there's some good news - during tonight's game, when you were put in with the bases loaded and 2 outs, I only cringed a little bit. "Oh, good!" I thought, "There are already 2 outs. Jesse should be able to get himself out of this." And you did get out of it, but not before giving up two runs and making our tie game into a 3-1 Indians lead. So, you got out of the situation, but I suspect your friend, Kevin Slowey is not very happy with you. Certainly, I'm not very happy with you.

Wait, wait, wait, Jesse. Please don't leave yet. I'm not done. In fact, I've got a lot more, so why don't I get you another Mello Yello?

I'm not the only one

Other people feel the same way

25% of voters agree

And I don't want it to be this way, Jesse, because you do so much for the community. You give and you give and you give. The only problem is that you've been giving up hits and runs, and frankly, we're all pretty pissed about it. It's my understanding that you believe "everything happens for a reason," and I respect that Jesus is one of your heroes. Further more, it says a lot that you named your son Hunter (obviously after my secret husband). I can't complain about these things, Jesse. 

Please don't walk away angry, because the truth is that I don't think I'm alone in really, really wanting to see you pitch well. Not just because I want the team to win, but because I think you have a lot to offer as a player.

Be this guy, Jesse:

Don't be this guy, Jesse:

And for the love of baseball, do not be this guy, Jesse:

If you can start pitching the way you did in 2005, believe me, The Crain Train will be loaded. It's been too long, Jesse. Give us a reason to love you again.