Jesse, Jess, J....
I'm not sure how to tell you this. I want to be delicate, but I don't even know if that's possible. First of all, you might as well sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Water? Mello Yello?
I like you as a friend, Jesse. I really do. Please don't misunderstand me when I tell you this: STOP SUCKING.
Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, your stats don't accurately reflect how poorly you've been doing, because several of the runs you allow are being charged to the pitcher you were relieving. It's not okay, Crain. For years I've been secretly rooting for you, and outwardly bitching about you. Something you should understand is that not once have I gone to a Twins game and seen someone (other than you) representing with a Crain jersey. I know what you're thinking, "But, there are a lot of Twins players whose jerseys don't sell!" Well, you're probably right, but you know what's true? I've seen his jersey worn, his jersey worn and even his jersey worn at Twins games.
So, Jesse, now is not the time for excuses. We're all disappointed in what you've given us this year. Just because the runs you give up aren't "earned runs" on your record doesn't mean we don't notice. You're a disaster, Jesse. A Crain Wreck.
Have you noticed that people are not cheering for you when you come out of the bullpen? Have you noticed that people groan, children cry and mothers shield their babies from seeing you take the mound? I want you to know that it's not too late, Jesse. You can redeem yourself. It's going to take time. It's going to take persistence. It may even take you shaving off your lame-ass goatee. Sorry. That was a cheap shot.
Remember 2005, Jesse? It may even take a time machine to get you to a place where you win 12 games, and have a 2.71 ERA in 75 appearances. I guess there's some good news - during tonight's game, when you were put in with the bases loaded and 2 outs, I only cringed a little bit. "Oh, good!" I thought, "There are already 2 outs. Jesse should be able to get himself out of this." And you did get out of it, but not before giving up two runs and making our tie game into a 3-1 Indians lead. So, you got out of the situation, but I suspect your friend, Kevin Slowey is not very happy with you. Certainly, I'm not very happy with you.
Wait, wait, wait, Jesse. Please don't leave yet. I'm not done. In fact, I've got a lot more, so why don't I get you another Mello Yello?
And I don't want it to be this way, Jesse, because you do so much for the community. You give and you give and you give. The only problem is that you've been giving up hits and runs, and frankly, we're all pretty pissed about it. It's my understanding that you believe "everything happens for a reason," and I respect that Jesus is one of your heroes. Further more, it says a lot that you named your son Hunter (obviously after my secret husband). I can't complain about these things, Jesse.
Please don't walk away angry, because the truth is that I don't think I'm alone in really, really wanting to see you pitch well. Not just because I want the team to win, but because I think you have a lot to offer as a player.
Be this guy, Jesse:
Don't be this guy, Jesse:
And for the love of baseball, do not be this guy, Jesse:
If you can start pitching the way you did in 2005, believe me, The Crain Train will be loaded. It's been too long, Jesse. Give us a reason to love you again.