Joey, You've Got Some Splainin' To Do

Joe Mauer is an anomaly. Joe Mauer has won 3, yes- 3 batting titles in less than 7 years in the majors. Joe Mauer has a career batting average of .324. Joe Mauer just signed a huge contract right before the beginning of this season. Joe Mauer is the hometown hero; the modest guy behind the plate who will take a pitch or two. 

Here's something you probably didn't know about Joe Mauer, though. He's an underground rapper. You read right. He is the Tupac of the American League Central, the Jay-Z of catchers, the Notorious B.I.G. of the big leagues. Don't get J. to the M.a.u.e.r. twisted, folks...

Mad Rhymez

And while the world awaits Joe's debut album, I ask myself this question, "Has all of this amateur rapping been the root of your batting issues lately, Joseph Patrick Mauer?" While I realize .299 is far from an un-respectable batting average, it's really not your thing to bat below .300. I don't think the phrase, "Don't hate the player, hate the game" really applies to your situation, Joe. In fact, unless I'm talking about your rap game, I'm hating your playing much more than I'm hating the game right now. 

Last year when you hit 28 home runs, we all knew that wouldn't happen again. That was an anomaly by an anomaly. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I think you catch my drift. Point being- .299 isn't acceptable. I know you just signed a gargantuan contract and maybe now you're all nervous, like, "Am I good enough? Do they really like me? I don't know if I can do this!" but the truth is that we need you, Joey. We need you bad, especially since your boyfriend is on the DL. We like you Joe. You're good enough, Joe. You can do this, Joe. You must do this, Joe. Be the reason half of the stadium wears the #7 on their backs when they come to watch a ball game at Target Field.