You Love Baseball More Than Me

Several years ago I dated a man who I'll now call "Dan". Dan and I were high school sweethearts. After high school, we continued dating, and one summer I was at his house watching the Twins play Seattle. As the game was happening in Seattle, it started late in the evening. It was getting late, and I was tired. The Twins were losing 3-2 in the top of the 9th inning. I'd convinced Dan to watch the game with me, though he'd really wanted to watch "Myth Busters," so I felt required to stay awake to watch the game in totality. When the inning began, out to the mound walked Everyday Eddie Guardado. Eddie gets the first 2 outs, and I start considering changing the channel so Dan can watch some myths being busted. Suddenly, Michael Cuddyer pinch hits for Terry Tiffee. Don't worry- it's okay if you don't remember him. I remember turning to Dan and saying, "I don't even know what to do. I love Eddie, but I can't cheer for him!" 

Every Single Day, Mofos

Dan turned to me and said, "Sometimes I think you love baseball more than me."


I thought about what he said for a minute and decided he was probably right. Dan was a baseball fan, but I definitely loved baseball more than he did.


"Yeah, that's probably true," I said, and squeezed his hand while turning my attention back to the game.


Michael Cuddyer singled and reached 2nd on an error by Willie Bloomquist. Nick Punto came in to pinch run for Cuddyer & Lew Ford came in to pinch hit for Michael Ryan. Lew Ford then hit a single into Left Field, allowing Nick Punto to score. The game was suddenly tied. Dan got up from where we were sitting, sighed and asked, "I'm going upstairs to get something to drink. Are you thirsty?" I shook my head "no" without even looking at him. 


HOORAY! THE TWINS TIED THE GAME! The clock read "Late O'Clock!" and "You Have to Work in the Morning!" I was unconcerned. When Dan returned with his ice water, I was deep in bliss. If you recall, the Twins were not quite in contention in 2005, but this did not change how badly I wanted them to win that night. 

Unfortunately, I fell asleep before the game ended. I woke up to the sound of an infomercial around 3am. I shook Dan violently, waking him up. Startled, he looked at me and said, "What? What's wrong?"


"Nothing," I replied. "Do you know who won the game? I fell asleep!"


"No," he sighed. "I do not know who won. I guess you'll have to find out later. Go back to sleep."


So, I did go back to sleep. When I got to work in the morning, I found out that the Twins indeed won after scoring 4 runs in the 14th inning, thus winning 7-3. 


Later, when I was vigorously researching stats when I should've been doing work, my mind wandered back to the conversation I'd had with Dan the previous night.


"Sometimes I think you love baseball more than me," he'd said.


I realized that I'd misunderstood what he was telling me. It wasn't that he sometimes thought I loved baseball more than he loved baseball. He meant that he sometimes thought I loved baseball more than I loved him. I never told Dan that I figured out what he meant. 


Today, the Twins lost to the Mariners 3-2. Appearances were not made by Lew Ford, Nick Punto, Eddie Guardado, Terry Tiffee, or Michael Ryan. However, listening to today's game on the radio reminded me of that 14 inning game 5 years ago. 


Dan and I broke up about 8 months later, shortly after the 2006 season started. The point of this story is not about how the Twins beat the Mariners during August of 2005. It's not even about how much I cared for Eddie Guardado. In fact, the point of this story is about something much deeper. The truth is that I am totally capable of loving another human being. I actually did love Dan. He was a fantastic guy, but this post is not actually about him. It's about the fact that I will never, ever, ever love a man the way I love the Minnesota Twins. 


As a female baseball fan, men usually follow this path of thinking upon encountering me:


1. First they see me:
I see you wearing a Twins shirt. I guess you know that baseball exists. I bet you love Joe Mauer like every other Minnesota girl.


2. Then they hear me talking about the starting rotation:
I hear you talking about Francisco Liriano. I guess you know that baseball requires a ball being thrown.


3. Next, they talk to me about baseball:
I am part of a conversation about baseball with you. I guess you have the social skills to maintain an adult conversation and you also know a few things about baseball.


4. Then, they continue the conversation and I tell them something about baseball that they would only expect from a male friend:
You continue talking to me and you seem to understand the difference between Earned Runs and Unearned Runs. I wonder if you have actually watched a few baseball games...


5. The conversation continues and perhaps we become friends on Facebook:
Holy crap! You have several photo albums including pictures from multiple baseball games, and some of them are in different U.S. cities. I guess you maybe know some things about baseball and enjoy traveling. 


6. Further Facebook stalking ensues, conversations continue:
You really do like baseball. Maybe we should be very good friends. 


7. Then they fall madly in love with me:
You are a girl who loves baseball and is not difficult to look at. Let's date.


8. Boy forgets that, in addition to loving baseball, I am still a girl:
Let me tell you a story about cars/big machines/video games. What do you mean you're not interested? Your favorite color is pink? Wait a second! What just happened?


9. Another conversation about baseball reminds boy that I am a girl and that I also love baseball and that these 2 things are not mutually exclusive:
Oh, yeah. I forgot that you are super cool. My bad. 


Anyway, in a nutshell, if you are ever considering trying to date me, keep in mind that I will never love you the way I love baseball. I may love you at some point, but it will not be in the same unconditional way. 

The End.